If you're white you probably remember the scene from Seinfeld that I'm about to describe. If you're black you probably remember a scene that Tyler Perry ripped off from Seinfeld. If you're Asian you can stop reading because I don't know any Asian sitcoms to insult.
The scene goes as follows: Elaine is complaining about this guy she's seeing. She mentions to the group that she often fakes orgasms. Jerry is astounded that the guy doesn't even notice, adding that he would certainly notice. Elaine states that she is in fact very good at faking orgasms and that Jerry would not notice. She knows this because (spoiler alert) they used to bang and she faked orgasms multiple times without Jerry calling her on it. The scene ends with Elaine being a smug prick about it and us forgiving her, as always, because she looks like a hot librarian.
But let's back up a second, Elaine. What makes you think Jerry didn't notice? Just because he didn't call you on it does not mean that he didn't notice. Sure, this could mean that he saw your awful impression of a woman having an orgasm and somehow thought it was real, but I doubt it. Even porn stars are rarely able to fake orgasms and it's their job. They do it every day. They have a lot of practice. And it's still not convincing. What's your job, Elaine? Do you fake orgasms every day for that white haired dude with the odd speaking cadence? Is that what you get paid for? Is that why you're so convinced that no one has noticed? I doubt it. I'm thinking that you're just arrogant, Elaine. Do you want to know the real reason no one has called you on it? Then continue to the next paragraph. Because the world as you know it is about to shatter all around you and all that's left will be shards of that world. Sure, you can pick them up and try to reassemble them, but they won't fit together. Because a bunch of the small parts got lost in the carpet. I guess the world is a big glass window or something. You should call the manufacturer and order a new world.
Here's what's really going on: Everyone noticed. Every single guy that you slept with-And let's face it, Elaine, there have been plenty. You're a 30-something female character on a television show- has known that you fake orgasms. Why didn't they say anything? Because that would get them absolutely nowhere. Uh-oh, I just dropped a truth bomb on your lie-gasm, didn't I? Think about it. If a guy realizes you're faking an orgasm and calls you on it, what would you say? You'd say one of two things, A) No, I wasn't, or B) Yup, you got me. I faked it.
Let's first look at scenario A. This is a situation in which you straight up lie to your partner. Lies are okay sometimes, but this is not one of those times. This is a double lie. The first lie (the actual faking of the orgasm) wasn't really that big of a deal. You probably did it because you wanted to make him feel good. You wanted him to think he accomplished something. And you wanted him to stop having sex with you, which I get. Having a dick inside you is probably really uncomfortable. These are all understandable, which is why we'd forgive you for faking an orgasm. But the second lie, the denial, isn't the same. This one can't be forgiven so easily. Basically you're saying you think we're just big dumb idiots. You're telling us you didn't eat all of the cookies while there's still chocolate all over your hot librarian face. Well, we made the cookies for you in the first place, Elaine. Feeling like a terrible person now? That makes sense, because you are.
Now let us look at scenario B. When you say, “Yeah, I faked it,” men hear “Yeah, I faked it. I was really bored and Amerca's Got Talent was starting in ten minutes, which is how long it takes to shower your stink off of my body. Also your penis is small and your inability to grow burly facial hair means you can't protect me from bandits and thieves.” This scenario is almost as shitty as the first.
And that's why no one has been calling you on your bullshit, Elaine. They're playing the game, just like you are. They're just happy to be all up in it and they're not dumb enough to jeopardize their chances of getting all up in it again. Besides, faking it isn't that bad. It shows you care about us. At least you're not just laying there and not moving, like some kind of drugged up Russian prostitute, waiting for Liam Neeson to bust in and save you. “That's my daughter!” he'll say and “She's bad at sex!” I'll tell him.
And if I may offer a bit of advice, Elaine. Next time, before you fake it, try to take matters into your own hands. It's a bunch of bullshit that orgasms must be “given”. If you're not being given an orgasm, go take it. Take it and take it and then retake it like you did the SAT's so you could get into community college. There's nothing better than a woman who knows what she wants in bed.
I hope this cleared some things up, Elaine.
I will love you always,
Jerry
Ps you dance like a fucking loon.
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