We've all been there. You've had a hard on all night for this girl and you finally get her back to your place. Somehow, by the grace of God, she gets the hint that you'd like her to head Downton Abbey and you can't believe your good fortune. The moment before she starts is filled with pure excitement, even giddiness. You're a little kid and it's the last five minutes of the last day of school all over again. You can't wait to bust out of the school doors and throw a water balloon filled with your own urine at the fattest kid you see and then stare down that old bitch Mrs. Miller because she can't do jack shit about it. Fuck you Mrs. Miller.
And then she starts. Your D is officially in her M. Your P is officially touching her T. The feeling of bliss is overpowering. The first five seconds of this magical genitals-meet-the-place-where-food-normally-goes encounter is now over. And now you're wondering- What the fuck is going on down there? Why does it hurt? Or, possibly even worse, Why do I not feel anything?
Don't be scared. We've all had this happen. Your girl simply hasn't S'd a lot of D's, which you might even take as a good thing. Or she's just an idiot, which you might take as a bad thing. Either way, I'm here to help.
Tip #1: Talk to her. Tell her what you like. Chances are if she's awful at going down she's also nervous and scared and would welcome any advice you'd like to give her. She likely has no clue what she's doing. I was once with a girl who tried to seemingly put her tongue down my penis hole. She assumed this would be a good idea. I give her credit though, she really went for it. She didn't hold back. When I told her what she was doing was excruciating and that she might as well shove an entire pineapple up my ass for good measure she was actually surprised. I pissed weird for a week.
Tip #2: If you don't want to talk to her, either because you think it's awkward or she just doesn't speak English, try doing the work yourself. This can be done either by thrusting your hips or by casually grabbing her head and gently raising and lowering it whilst your penis is still in her mouth. She might find this strange at first but eventually she'll get the clue that she wasn't getting the job done and you had to take over. WARNING: Do not thrust too far. Whatever you've seen on the internet doesn't fly here. The end goal is to have sex with this girl, not get her to vomit all over your dick and then go home and call her mom crying. Her mom's all, “What's wrong Jennifer?” And Jennifer's all, “I don't know mom, my life just hasn't turned out how I imagined it would!” That is not the goal. The goal is for her to go home and call her mom with a story about how she met a dude and he gave her four orgasms and she never heard from him again. Her mom then tells a similar story about a man she met right before she met Jennifer's dad. Nine months before Jennifer was born, in fact. Could this be Jennifer's real dad? We'll find out next week, on The CW.
I got a little off subject there. Sorry about that. I had more tips but that hypothetical situation has caused me to forget them. I hope this helps the next time you get into a situation when your dong is in serious danger.
Happy Hunting.
