The Penis is Mightier than the Sword: But Only if it Has a Ballin' Name

First off, I don't want anyone to give me shit for using the term "Ballin.'" It's been more than five years since it was popular and it still rings a beautiful chord with my heart, so I'm bringing it back. You can eat my dick if you don't approve of it.

But that here is what this post is about. My dick.

My dick is, and always will be my strongest, and hardest motivator. About 89.4% of all my life decisions center around it's well being. The other 10 or so percent goes to basic life living instincts, like eating, drinking and watching Matt Damon movies. I don't have a job because I like working for stupid bullshit internet companies, I do it because I need money to fund my dick getting wet. I don't go to the gym to stay healthy, I do it so I will look physically attractive to women who can get my dick wet.

Obviously, if you've been reading any of these blogs than you know that I stress the importance of confidence, which is paramount. If you don't have confidence, than you wont get your oil changed very often if you catch my drift. That's just science. Now one way to boost your confidence instantly, is to name that willie of yours. That's right, you heard it here folks, name that dick of yours and you'll be walking around with your head in the clouds, while broads are clawing at your crotch parts.

It seems all too simple really, but remember when you watched Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy for the first time and Brian Fantana mentions that he named his penis "The Octagon"? Do you remember that you probably wanted to fuck Paul Rudd that second even more than your girlfriend did? I remember, because nick-naming your dick, or dick-naming as I like to call it, is cool as shit. AND if it has a badass name, a set of female lips (vaginal or mouthinal) will be surrounding that dick on a more consistent, and wet basis.

Finding the proper name for the dick is the most important part of the process. You don't want to come across as too cocky, or like a dick. Well, I guess you want people to know it's a dick, but you, yourself don't want women to think, "wow this guy has a really fucking lame name for his johnson". Although a girl would never use the word "johnson," so that last thought isn't a direct possibility. But you can see what I'm saying. I keep digressing. To find this proper name you must try and define what makes you, you, while adding a touch of clever to the mix.

Now, I love Tiger Woods. Always have, but love him a lot more now that I know the man is a total deviant. I also played a lot of golf back in high school so I've followed the sport throughout my existence. I had been searching for a name to my trouser snake for quite some time before I found one fitting for my lifestyle. One day while watching the US Open in 2009, I finally came up with the perfect name while watching, "The Leaderboard". Everything just clicked and I knew I had finally made the most important discovery in my entire life. Sure my penis had a pretty decent life up until that point, but it wasn't until I met "The Leaderboard" that I truly met my dick's potential. Let me tell you, it's potential is vast.

*Fun, little-known historical tidbit: John Wayne named his dick "Chubthumper." 40 pounds of impacted fecal matter was removed from his cancerous colon during his autopsy so you can tell that the man loved to party.*

I felt more confident, even in just normal conversations. Suddenly it seemed like all those girls that were a reach for my potential, were my potential. I was raking in the broads left and right. Things were as they should be, correct.

Of course when I came up with this name "The Leaderboard," I knew that I couldn't just run down the streets screaming it's name because that would ruin it instantly. I held it in and kept it to myself. I couldn't ruin the integrity of something so pure and beautiful. It had to be used in the right fashion or else "The Leaderboard" would be rendered useless.

That's the thing right there, you can't just walk around and tell every xx chromosome you see that you named your dick "The Leaderboard" as your introduction. Still, that art must be tastefully approached. BUT, if you remember throughout the entire process that you have an awesome name for your dick, that confidence will emote and she'll be down to learn that name at the proper time.

*Fun, little-known historical tidbit:  Wilt Chaimberlain named his penis "Mitchell."*

What is the proper time you ask? Well this is where it gets pretty tricky. A lot of this depends on how the encounter is going with this set of boobs you're talking to. You want this woman to meet "the Leaderboard," but you can't just whip it out and say "Do you want to climb to the top?" Although that would be clever, it would probably be a little bit weird to pull your dick out in a bar when you're just getting to know someone (I've actually tried it, and it's a lot a bit weird. Also, it could land you in a nice 8x9 cell for the evening). What you can do if your conversation goes awry, is casually mention that you and "the Leaderboard" (or insert awesome penis name) were out on the town looking for a good time or something along those lines. This will get the little watch sized gears churning in her walnut sized brain. She'll probably ask who "the Leaderboard" is, and BOOM you have now introduced her to your penis. She will either scoff when you tell her this, and walk off disgusted, OR she will actually find it pretty funny and charming. Often times when women find you funny and charming, they find themselves on their backs begging for more.

*Fun, well-known historical tidbit: Magic Johnson's name for his wang was "Magic Johnson." It's just ironic because it really was Magic. He got HIV and "Magic Johnson" was like, fuck you HIV*

Still, that tactic should only be used if the conversation has soured, and it looks like she's running for the hills. If she's already into you, then well, you can save it for later when she will officially meet him. Say you meet a girl at a bar, and as adults you decide you want to take this party back to someones bed, couch, kitchen floor or dining room table. Well when you get to that place and you are undressing, you casually introduce it to her face to face, the proper way. This immediately lightens the interaction and brings laughter into the mix because she'll think "this guy has a name for his dick. This guy's awesome. I want him inside me." Low and behold that is where you're find yourself shortly thereafter. 

If you're in need of a little confidence boost, this might be the push you need. I never looked back at the old me before "the Leaderboard." As far as I'm concerned those days didn't officially exist because I hadn't come into my own. I hadn't grown into the man I could be. Here I am now and life is pretty good for both "the Leaderboard" and I. We treat each other pretty well these days and I plan on keeping it that way for a long time.

If you just can't seem to come up with the right name for your dick, be patient. When it comes to you, you will just know it is right. This is the one thing in life you truly can't rush. You're bonded with this for your life, and you want to get it right from the get go. You don't want your dick to go through identity crisis issues. Just do what you normally do, keep an open eye, and an open mind, and you'll find it. Until then, just try and keep at your game and maybe you'll still find a ride on that wagon train.

*Fun, well-known historical tidbit: Both Tim Allen and Tom Hanks didn't find their dick names out until they were cast in Disney and Pixar's Toy Story. Tom Hanks' penis was henceforth referred to as "Woody" and Tim Allen's was "Buzz Lightyear." Before Tom Hanks found his dick name in 1995 it was named "The Money Pit" after his 1986 film. This name never really seemed to work for him, and eventually led him downward a spiral where he starred in a film as a retarded person, and in another film as a gay. Once Toy Story finally fell his way, he knew what had been wrong for the past 9 years but has battled dick identity problems ever since. Tim Allen never really had a name for his dick before "Buzz Lightyear" came about. Before then, he thought about naming it "Santa" but became self conscious about a white pube he found in the middle of his shaft.*

As always, Happy Hunting out there.

You're Not Fooling Anyone, Ladies: An Open Letter to Elaine Benes

    If you're white you probably remember the scene from Seinfeld that I'm about to describe. If you're black you probably remember a scene that Tyler Perry ripped off from Seinfeld. If you're Asian you can stop reading because I don't know any Asian sitcoms to insult.

    The scene goes as follows: Elaine is complaining about this guy she's seeing. She mentions to the group that she often fakes orgasms. Jerry is astounded that the guy doesn't even notice, adding that he would certainly notice. Elaine states that she is in fact very good at faking orgasms and that Jerry would not notice. She knows this because (spoiler alert) they used to bang and she faked orgasms multiple times without Jerry calling her on it. The scene ends with Elaine being a smug prick about it and us forgiving her, as always, because she looks like a hot librarian.

    But let's back up a second, Elaine. What makes you think Jerry didn't notice? Just because he didn't call you on it does not mean that he didn't notice. Sure, this could mean that he saw your awful impression of a woman having an orgasm and somehow thought it was real, but I doubt it. Even porn stars are rarely able to fake orgasms and it's their job. They do it every day. They have a lot of practice. And it's still not convincing. What's your job, Elaine? Do you fake orgasms every day for that white haired dude with the odd speaking cadence? Is that what you get paid for? Is that why you're so convinced that no one has noticed? I doubt it. I'm thinking that you're just arrogant, Elaine. Do you want to know the real reason no one has called you on it? Then continue to the next paragraph. Because the world as you know it is about to shatter all around you and all that's left will be shards of that world. Sure, you can pick them up and try to reassemble them, but they won't fit together. Because a bunch of the small parts got lost in the carpet. I guess the world is a big glass window or something. You should call the manufacturer and order a new world.

    Here's what's really going on: Everyone noticed. Every single guy that you slept with-And let's face it, Elaine, there have been plenty. You're a 30-something female character on a television show- has known that you fake orgasms. Why didn't they say anything? Because that would get them absolutely nowhere. Uh-oh, I just dropped a truth bomb on your lie-gasm, didn't I? Think about it. If a guy realizes you're faking an orgasm and calls you on it, what would you say? You'd say one of two things, A) No, I wasn't, or B) Yup, you got me. I faked it.

    Let's first look at scenario A. This is a situation in which you straight up lie to your partner. Lies are okay sometimes, but this is not one of those times. This is a double lie. The first lie (the actual faking of the orgasm) wasn't really that big of a deal. You probably did it because you wanted to make him feel good. You wanted him to think he accomplished something. And you wanted him to stop having sex with you, which I get. Having a dick inside you is probably really uncomfortable. These are all understandable, which is why we'd forgive you for faking an orgasm. But the second lie, the denial, isn't the same. This one can't be forgiven so easily. Basically you're saying you think we're just big dumb idiots. You're telling us you didn't eat all of the cookies while there's still chocolate all over your hot librarian face. Well, we made the cookies for you in the first place, Elaine. Feeling like a terrible person now? That makes sense, because you are.

    Now let us look at scenario B. When you say, “Yeah, I faked it,” men hear “Yeah, I faked it. I was really bored and Amerca's Got Talent was starting in ten minutes, which is how long it takes to shower your stink off of my body. Also your penis is small and your inability to grow burly facial hair means you can't protect me from bandits and thieves.” This scenario is almost as shitty as the first.

    And that's why no one has been calling you on your bullshit, Elaine. They're playing the game, just like you are. They're just happy to be all up in it and they're not dumb enough to jeopardize their chances of getting all up in it again. Besides, faking it isn't that bad. It shows you care about us. At least you're not just laying there and not moving, like some kind of drugged up Russian prostitute, waiting for Liam Neeson to bust in and save you. “That's my daughter!” he'll say and “She's bad at sex!” I'll tell him.

    And if I may offer a bit of advice, Elaine. Next time, before you fake it, try to take matters into your own hands. It's a bunch of bullshit that orgasms must be “given”. If you're not being given an orgasm, go take it. Take it and take it and then retake it like you did the SAT's so you could get into community college. There's nothing better than a woman who knows what she wants in bed.

I hope this cleared some things up, Elaine.
I will love you always,
Jerry

Ps you dance like a fucking loon.